Things I Have Learned This Week:
Nude lipstick does not look good on me. At all.*
Time I can last without buying any makeup at all: just about three months. Yep, I'm back to buying again.
Disqus is THE BEST THING EVER. Comment threads and replying, what?
We are apparently famous on the internet! When haters seek you out to hate on you, you know you've made it big.
A picture of #1, so you can see the horror (it's even worse in person):
It's Too Faced Lips of Luxury in Totally Nude, if you were wondering.
#2 is going to cause some BIG PROBLEMS for my bank account, but more on that later.
#3 is all thanks to Oriana. Yay Oriana!
And I wasn't going to respond to #4 at all (don't feed the trolls, et cetera) but Oriana said she wanted me to write something, and I wanted to thank all of you anyway for being SUPER sweet and supportive about the whole thing.
So, thank you so much! You guys are the best. But what else to write? The more I thought about it, the less certain I felt. Let me see if I can explain.
Warning – to paraphrase the always-apt Cleolinda, my eyeshadow is teal and so are my deer!
I am very distraught at the length of this post. Distraught, I say!
E/S: Fyrinnae's Futuristic Glamrock with a bit of Silk Natural's Fifth Avenue patted over it.
In other words, this is going to be long. And rambly. But stick with me; I have a point in the end!
Someone Is Wrong On The Internet
I wish I could say with a clear conscience that everyone should be nice to everyone all the time, on the internet and off. However, I myself am not entirely guiltless in this regard. I, nice person that I am, once flamed someone online. (It involved fanfiction, and miswritten characters, and...it was a dark time, I'd rather not talk about it.)
Plus, my regular blog reading includes gems like Go Fug Yourself, Regretsy, and The An(n)als of Online Dating. All great sites, but none of them are exactly bastions of love and cuddles and uncritical praise. Telling everyone that being mean on the internet is Very Bad, All Of The Time, would be hypocritical of me. I don't think criticism is intrinsically bad or mean, even when delivered with a dose of snark.
Everybody's a Critic
I love the friendly, welcoming nature of the makeup blog community. I love that there is this huge group of people who feel comfortable posting pictures of themselves for scrutiny from the world at large, all in the name of a fun shared hobby. It's fantastic.
But. The problem with a happy friendly community is that there starts to be pressure to be 'nice'. To not say anything critical, or maybe even neutral. To not say anything if you don't have anything nice to say. To gush over whatever your friends post because surely you can find SOMETHING positive.**
A community with no acceptable place for even justified or reasonable critical points will inevitably breed a backlash. People will search for an outlet to express disagreements. Add the trend of It's Okay, You're Anonymous On The Internet and a certain socialization pattern among Western women that “nice to your face, catty behind your back” is a valid method of handling interpersonal conflict, and you get the Cafe forum at MakeupAlley, with people saying that we “kill beauty.”*** Is it nice? Is it justified? No. But it didn't appear in a vacuum.
I'm not saying we should 'just get over it' or be immune if someone is being cruel, or resign ourselves to being called nasty names. Bullying or harassment or just garden-variety Mean Girl behavior is hurtful and often unnecessary, and it's normal and fine to feel stung by criticism and fight/criticize it back when appropriate. But besides not (always) being a bad thing, I am saying that criticism is inevitable, and trying to suppress or paper over it doesn't make it go away.
No One's Forcing You To Read It!
I think it's worth it to think about why someone takes the time to verbalize (or blog, or tweet, or what-have-you) something critical. Some childish people snark or flame just to get attention, or for the 'joy' of being mean. However, I think relatively few people are like this. When you really enjoy something, it's easy to get emotionally invested in it. And then, when you see something you don't agree with, or think is wrong, it's easy to react emotionally. This is especially true if you've had the same reaction and felt you had to not-express it before.
The often-used answer to that line of reasoning is, “No one's forcing you to read it!” There's something to be said for that; it's silly to go looking for things that you know will make you upset. But what if people are genuinely participating in a community and hobby they enjoy, and see something they disagree with or want to correct? It's a natural human urge. Sometimes it can be expressed in a respectful, healthy way and both parties move on from the experience unscathed. Other times...not so much. But it's important to remember that the person who is criticizing you may be coming from the same place that you are: a genuine passion for [issue or hobby in question].
Dun Be So Mean
Again, telling someone to 'just get over' people being cruel is unfair and unrealistic. Personally, though, I would like to get more resilient when it comes to facing criticism. Moreover, I would love to encourage an atmosphere in this tiny corner of the makeup blogosphere of kindness tempered with honesty. Not cruelty, or spitefulness, but an atmosphere where it's okay to say, “I don't think this is your best look”.
I'm not calling for some kind of Makeup Blog Critique Revolution, but it's made me think more about how I'd like to conduct myself in the blog community. I'll be more actively encouraging suggestions and critiques of my own entries, and will value honesty as well as kindness and enthusiasm when commenting on others' posts. (This has already started happening here, thanks to some of the awesome people we apparently are seeing from MakeupAlley. Thank you, constructive commenters!)
Please let me know if I ever say something that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, as that is certainly not my intent. But I also don't want someone to feel like they're not allowed to comment on, or about, our blog unless they have something glowingly positive to say.
Beauty Raid: now raiding in the areas of both beauty and constructive criticism. Woo!****
Anyway, what do you guys think? Do you even think there's a problem with 'too much niceness' (what a problem to have) in the beauty blog community? Am I imagining/overthinking it? (Very possible) Do I use too many parentheses? (No such thing...)
*In truth, this is a lesson I seem to need to re-learn every six months or so. It's a problem, guys.
**Let's not even go into the potential problems, or perceived problems, this can breed of the Why Give Every Kid A Ribbon For Participating, It Just Makes The First Place Ribbon Worthless variety. That's a whole other blog post.
***I seriously want to put “Co-Writer of The Blog That Killed Beauty” on my resumé somewhere now.
****Did we ever explain our blog name, formally? I guess the WoW players probably get it. Maybe we should write a post about it. Oriana would be the one to write it, though, since she's the only WoW player among us.
Your concerned face makes my night. You need to blog more, I love reading them. (And there can never be enough parentheses.)
ReplyDeleteI hope people realize they can leave comments. I've been trying to mention that on my latest replies to people. Disqus makes me feel like now I can *actively* respond to people and have conversations about things like what to do, what looks good, etc.
Hear hear, awesome post, good points. :)
Unfortunately, far too many people don't understand how to give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Also, a lot of people are just assholes. Unfortunately too many of these people seem to think that the world is just waiting breathlessly for their latest opinion/bitchfest. Generally they are just taking out their own inadequacies on others. Spit in their milk.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think you look fine in nude lipstick, you just need to find a slightly different tone - I think that one is too brownish for you. Try something a bit rosier or even plum. Perhaps something sheer.
You look so cute! And I think I have to agree with Zillah, perhaps not a brown-based nude? Or maybe I'm just used to seeing you with bright lipsticks ;)
ReplyDeleteI agree, I think that every blogger should be open to CC and if not, why blog? Why accept followers? Why have commenting turned on? There is a difference between "do you need tips on how to apply mascara? here are some tutorials" and "girrrrrl you NEED to pluck dem brows and don't bother with m/u unless you use mascara." UHHHHHHHHH Would you say that to a stranger in person??
Hey, if this whole thing didn't happen, we would have more than 10 less followers! Yay!!!!
Also RE: You're buying again - Does that mean you bought some Sailor Senshi Mars???
ReplyDeleteI like the look! I don't think nude is bad on you. Maybe that color is just a little too dark. What else, I personally hate Disqus because the it sometimes is tempremental and won't let me comment. I can't believe how people have been attacking your guys blog. That is just uncalled for. Like you said, no one is forcing them to read it! And the niceness in the beauty blogging community is awesome! I think we just need to always remember to treat others the way we want to be treated!
ReplyDeleteI don't think the nude looks bad on you at all. Very pretty. =]
ReplyDeleteHi, I found this post from Cafe on Makeupalley.com. /waves.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say that I enjoy your style of writing and what you have to say. I think this is a really cute look and you are very pretty in general. The lipstick isn't as bad as you say...maybe nude with peach or pink undertones might work better with your fair skin. I like Hue from Mac.
Love the teal eyeshadow
I actually like how you did your makeup. It's the other girl's makeup I don't like. I'm sorry Cafe was hard on her and she found out that way, but people here telling her everything suits her and looks great and is not constructive criticism and does not help her improve her makeup skills. At all. MakeupAlley, believe or not. is super fun. Yes, Cafe is very honest and sometimes very mean. BUT, if the makeup looks bad they will tell you. No sugar coating.
ReplyDeleteNude lipstick will look good on you, you just need to find one that is pink or peach based.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comments! I do think another part of the whole thing is people who think that they are right and anyone who disagrees is wrong - especially when it comes to something artistic like makeup where beauty is 'in the eye of the beholder' (or in Oriana's case, the eyebrow of the beholder, am I right? ^_^)
ReplyDeleteI think you're absolutely right about the lipstick. I tend to think of 'nudes' as yellow-based browns, which do not look good on me, but I've had good luck in the past with pinker browns, or sheer colors that show some of my natural lip color. Thanks again!
Haha, thanks! Yeah, part of my distaste is that I am so used to my lips being very pigmented/in contrast to the rest of my face, but I also think yellow-y browns or nudes are not my thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I absolutely think that constructive criticism is great! Or even snarky criticism that isn't actually cruel.
*looks shifty*
ReplyDelete:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
ReplyDeleteThank you! I think yellow-y nudes are just not my thing.
ReplyDeleteI agree that a large part of it is 'treating others how you'd like to be treated', and it's also important to remember that there's often no 'one right way' to do something, especially when it comes to something as artistic as makeup. I think that when you approach something as 'this person is doing X a different way than I do, and I don't like it', it's a lot easier to stay objective about it than if you approach it as 'this person is doing X wrong! And I need to tell them how to do it right!'
Aww, thank you! I really don't think it's my best color, though.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! Yeah, we've (unsurprisingly) been getting a lot of traffic from MUA recently, haha.
ReplyDeleteI really agree with you (and the rest of the commenters), pink or peach lip colors look a LOT better on me than yellow-based tones. And I love teal eyeshadow, but I don't wear it that often as it's not exactly work-appropriate for a stuffy office environment. :)
Thank you so much for your comment! I appreciate that you like my makeup style, and I do believe in constructive criticism, but some of the comments both on the MUA Cafe forum and make on this blog were out of line. Saying that Oriana looked like a troll? That one's five-year-old could put on makeup better? (Some of these comments have since been deleted, but trust me - they were there.) That's neither constructive nor snarky/funny, just mean and angry-sounding. Which is what got me thinking about why there might be this anger in the makeup blogosphere, which lead to this very long post. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think that there was some misunderstanding on the part of some of the Cafe-ers (just as we initially misunderstood that MUA is more than Cafe). A lot of comments seemed to come from a standpoint of "they think they're so good at makeup and they aren't!" But none of us are claiming to be makeup experts. We are playing around and learning as we go. And yes, constructive criticism is helpful in that process! But flaming a makeup relative-newbie over not having professionally-shaped eyebrows when she's just trying to figure out which eyeshadow colors she likes to wear is more than mean, it's...silly.
Anyway, thanks again for your comment!
Thank you for your comment! I kind of wish I could pull off almost-skin-tone lips to pair with very dramatic eyes, but I think you and other commenters are correct; a pink or peach-based color is going to be my best bet.
ReplyDeleteI think the anonymity of the Internet makes people very bold. They think they can unleash their frustration and fury on a random stranger, because they did a bad day and want to berate someone, anyone. I also think that the way things are typed out make a huge difference. Some people don't realize that they need to re-read what they typed, to make sure it doesn't sound mean. I once took an online literature course, and the professor had to email everyone to remind them to say things in a nice way. Too many people were just typing out their thoughts and not filtering them.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, we should put ourselves in the other person's shoes (or on the other side of the makeup brush). Readers should ask themselves "If I had a makeup blog, would I want a reader to say such and such to me?". It is important to remember that there are human beings behind these blogs.